im too lazy...for that,i wont be a doc...

crap,it come again..
few days trying to be positive..put away all nonsense mind..but this morning,an incident occur,putting me in despair..
histology,wish i could change to other class..other lecturer..

few days ago,having some talk with iqa, she told me that she had an exam on the next day,and for that she would not sleep that nyte,study,study n study..i asked her,"when will u sleep??why would you study diz hard???if u dun slep,later u'll b blank while having d xem"
then she said,"i xnk fail,so ive 2 usaha or else ill be dead n blame myself..at least ive done mt fullest,d rest i tawakal.."

blank.................

i told her that i wish to be like her..yeah i meant it..i neva struggle that much for study..thinking..she is the real candidate who will be a doc..she deserve to b a doc..thats how a medic student should be..

last 2yers,i told my sis that i wanna b a doc..then she advised me to rethink..she underestimated me..she didn't believe that i would be able the carry the burden or medic stud..she told me how her fren,a medic stud live.."when she come out of her room and join us to lepak2 kat town,sume org pandang die and tanye,"ko tak study ke ari ni?"see how a medic life is?"but then i told her that i could do it.."if everyone can do,why cant i do d same thing???"...once this sentence was my motto but now i realize that it cant be used anymore..

why???

becoz of who i am..what i am...
wadie...
-x mature
-lembap
-malas
-bodoh
-always depending on others
-never take serius in study
-always dreaming but never try to make it real
-have no more interest in study!!!!

and this morning,i start my day with books at 5am..something that i rarely do..
later at 9,went to histo class..and i found that i forgot to finish up my hometask,so i copied it from naz's book..my lecturer found out and took the book from me..when i went to c her..she said:
S:"u r a lazy student"
Me:"yes,i admit"
s;"will you...."
Me:"no,i wont repeat it".....(tot she wanna say will you do this mistake again)
S:'will you be a doc??"
Me:"erk....y...yes..."....(surprisingly)
S:"NO!!!u wont be a doc..u r too lazy.."
Me: ............ (silense.....)

*in my mind,i also admit her word..i know it n realize it long time ago..when i found that im not like radhi,always having interest to learn...not like bello,always determined in finishing homework...not like hafiz,always score in test even he has something in common with me,jarang study...not like frod,have the spirit in learning even tak paham lam klass...not like bedeck,always reading the book while in the tren to the class...

me??
i neva have interest to learn..when i dont understand wat the hell my lecturer is saying,i just ignore it...
when having homework,ill just copy d answer from bello or radhi...
in test,got the lowest mark..
in tren,listening to ipod...n dreaming...

theres no way people could see the identity of medic student in me..
and i dun know what will happen to my skolarship...will my daddy need to repay to jpa???sory dad,im a bad son..
i dun know wat i am doing here..i dun know for wat i go to class...
the only thing i know,i just live my life...like waiting to be dead!!!

people say that doa seorang cikgu on her student makbul...
but i guess,if she do not praying,still her wish will come true..
as im not born to suit the life of a medic studen..

yeap...
she is ryte...
im too lazy...
i wont be a doc...