dear mother

its has been few weeks since the last time i talked to my mother..
time just fly so fast that i forget what was the conversation about..
the only reason i have is that im too busy with study..
out of regret and frustration,a story told by my brother occur to me..

he was a lecturer at a private college...

at that moment, our father had just recovered from a severe disease..

while having his lunch, his colleague came and reprimanded him..

he asked my brother about father's current condition..

my brother could just looked at him and blinked his eyes..

my brother was not so sure how to respond as he did not know the answer..

so my brother just be honest with him n said,

"im not sure,its been a while since the last i heard of him as im too busy with all the works here in college"

then his friend scornfully said,

"i just wish him to get well soon..as for u, just wish that ur salary will be doubled for this month"

my brother fetched up all standing..

my brother didnt understand what was the meaning behind his cranking words...

the he added,

"u showed some solidarity to ur work more than anyone else..u willing to put ur family and parent second to ur work..if u are so committed to settle all your work,so busy till u forgot about ur dying dad, more than anyone,u deserve to get a full mouth salary.."then he smiled and left..

oh my,
i dont know what is wrong with me..
its not that im dat busy till ive no leisure time..
indeed ive a bunch of em..
but i just cant spend my time for her..
its not that i forgot all her meritorious contribution to my life,
but i just cant..
the feeling is mixing up..
i confuse..
i love her but i dont know how to talk to her..
i miss her voice but im scare if she says samting that i cant accept..
i want to tell her how much i love her but im afraid if i hurt her feeling during the talk..  
i want to hear she says that she miss me but im anxious if i wont hear so..
i just dont know what to do...


last few nights,i dreamed of her death..
it was so unearthly frightening...
i remembered waking up with tears running down without i even noticed when did i cry..
perhaps during the sleep..
deep down,i tried to imagine the life without her around..
the only world came to my mind is a meaningless life..
everything was falling apart..
my study,my dream,my spirit and my life..
going home without having her waiting on the doorway..
entering the house without her hugging n crying happily for my return..
eating without her sitting beside me watching the tv..
performing the maghrib solat without her asking me to go to the mosque..
going anywhere without her asking and stopping me from do so..
leaving on the jet plane to moscow without her hugging kissing n telling me dat she loves me..
omg,only by imagining that, i feel so helpless..
feels like my soul has been snapped off from my body..
dear god,grant me a wish..
never fetch my parent to ur side before taking me..
not even 1 milisecond i wanna live without em around..
amin...

dear mother..

i might have hurt ur feeling thousands times..

but not even a single moment,my heart agrees with that action of mine..

u might have not hear from me for quite some time,

but almost all the times,ur words of advices knocks my head reminding me..

u might have suffer a lot in growing me up,

but never i put all my effort to success in life if its not to see u happy..

im a terrible child..

theres nothing i could do to return all the favours u have planted in my life..

but 1 thing i know for sure,u will be happy for my success..

and thats d only reason ive been striving my whole life getting a scroll of diploma..

its not for me,i struggled to get 8A in pmr..

its not for me,i put my best effort to enter the king of school and school of king,mckk..

its not for me,i almost blew up my brain getting 9As for spm..

and its not for me,i almost losing my mind studying day and night to become a doctor..

but its all for 1 and only reason..

YOU..