what goes around,will surely comes around..

winter holiday 2012..

i admit that it was the most awful holiday i ever had..

for the 1st time in my life,while having holiday,i had the second thought of going back to russia earlier..

what to do,the purpose of going back home ruined on the 4th day of the holiday..

whereas,i was still having another 2weeks to spend in malaysia..

i dont really care what will people think of me,a loser or pathetic,
they can have whatever opinion they want..

but i do realize that i do all those things out of my intention..

to be honest and never being the same wadie as i was last few years..

but too bad,it almost got me crazy n hate everyone around..

too make it easier,id say that the holiday didnt only do me frustration..

but good outcomes run along..

to recap the past,i was mean,heartless n rude son of a bitch..

i didnt really care about peeps' feeling..

the only thing i had in mind,was having fun with their feeling..

i made some girl trust me,gave them hope n later,i took that away from them..

some of em cried..

some of em hated guys..

some of em broke..

some of em lost something precious..

but i never care..

i dont even remember their names..

the only memory i have about em,

is a list of their names n the year of knowing em in a book that i keep since secondary school..

it is a list of girls i ever courted..

there r about 40+ names..

but not even half of the names i know their real name..

neither remember their faces..

the truth is,i was only having fun..

to put it simple,all this while,

i never truly honest with any of em..

i never put my trust on em..

though i said it many times to many of em that i trusted n honest,but it was just a trick..

but 2011,

i got to know this 1 girl..

she was good at getting to me..

she owned my trust..

she held me close to her..

not a single secret i could keep from her..

for the 1st time in my life,i thought i found d 1 person i wanted to live with..

every single thing that could harm her,i took em out of the way..

every plan i had for the future,i kept her name on my side..

all i ever wanted to do,was to keep her smiling..

end of 2011,i worked my ass up to find money..

so i could go home for winter..

for 1 and only reason to meet her n get to know her family..

she told me to wait for summer holiday cuz she was afraid if she couldnt spend her time for me..

as she was kinda busy with her work..

but for me,if i could see her now,why should i wait for another sec..

i didnt want to burden her,so i just told her that we would only meet up when shes free..

before going back home,i ordered a necklace for her on the internet..

i was planning to confess to her..

cuz i told her before about my feeling,n she was like giving hope..

when i was about to go back,i was kinda confident that she wouldnt turn me down..

the day i reached malaysia,i was so eager to meet her..

i was planning to go to her workplace in genting highland to surprise her at the 1st place..

but d fate stopped me..

she was back home in raub..

so i cancelled the plan..

instead,i went out to cut a deal,a business selling lens with my friend for her..

i wanted her to make some extra money for herself..

so,the 2nd day in malaysia..

the day that id been waiting for so long came..

that moment i was kinda tired..

the night b4,i was lepaking with my best buddy till 3am..

at 7am,i woke up n rode my bike to mantin about 1hour to rent a car from my sister..

however, all those tiredness gone the moment i saw her walking down the escalator,smiling at me..

god knows how much i miss that moment..

the whole day was kinda good..

with all the smiles, jokes and laughs..

but i didnt confess yet,cuz i had not claim the necklace yet..

and i wanted her to make it worth to be remembered throughout her life..

she suffered a lot in her life,all i ever wanted was to see her happy and thats all..

but who knows,on the next day..

less than 24hours after i sent her home,

when i was driving to terengganu..

i got a facebook notification on my phone..

there was it,she is in relation with some guy..

the very same guy she was talking about during our meeting..

a guy who she hated n got irritated so much..

god knows how much it hit me..

i almost lost control of my car..

great,the moment i thought i found d girl created for me..

the moment i ever trusted a girl so much..

the moment i cared about 1 single human being more than my own..

i was betrayed..

thanks god i had my friends..

shah,fa,nena..

they always there talking,talking and talking..

they made me realize so many things..

n god knows how much i love em..

but i never blamed her for what happen..

cuz i believe that this was all about me..

god punished me what id done in my past..

what goes around comes around..

by the last week of the holiday,

i thought i had get over her..

forgiving n forgetting everything..

but i couldnt run away from her..

on an early morning,i got an emel..

the necklace was ready to be picked up..

i was totally confusing..

again,all the memories came into my mind..

when i got there at the garden,i went to the shop..

my feeling was assorted when i saw the necklace..

its supposed to get into her hand with smiles..

but at that point,i didnt know what to do..

i bought the necklace with the intention of giving it to her..

so,by hook or by crook,she need to get it..

the next day,accompanied with shah,

i went to her home in raub with 2 reasons..

to give it to her..and to fulfill my promise to her mother to visit her b4 the end of my holiday..

when i reached her home..

she wasnt there but her mother,sisters,niece and grandma..

they treated me well n deep down,i felt like home..

with a confuse mind,i handed the necklace to her mom..

before i leave,her mom said to me,
"makcek bg pihak ...... mintak maaf atas ape .....da buat kat wadie"

god knows how hard for me to accept her words..

i respect the elderly n never blame em no matter what happen to me..

but there,her mother,the 1 who treated me so well.. apologizing..

i wished all this thing would never happen..

i regretted going there cuz i hated this feeling..

i never wanted to burden her with my problem..

last night,i talked to her on the bbm..

she explained everything..

i thought i could have just forgive her..

i thought that we could be friend again..

but today,i found out that she removed me from the bbm n every single call i made to her phone,rejected..

i just dont know whats in her mind..

my whole life,i could have just guess easily whats in a girl's mind by their action n words..

but her,she is so unexpected..and thats what got me in the 1st place..

but i cant lie to myself..

it feels like betrayed and all i could think of,she taking me as sampah..

just take n use me whenever needed,and throw me when unneeded..

wish her to explain everything cuz the thought im having is totally against the her i ever know..

i just wanna know the truth and thats all..

thats it about her...

next lesson..

never do something out of emotion..

i cant just simply tell what was exactly happen sbb its my aib..

but all i can say..

i did something stupid..something that i had been fighting my whole life..

and i did it out of anger,hatred and frustration..

i dun mind if its only me taking the consequences..

but this stupid thing,it involved someone else..

sbb org laen,i punished someone else..

im sorry..

and 3rd,thans to her..

she convinced me to face my family..

to settle the inner conflict i had against my family..

n i did it..

d outcome,the problem ive been carrying for 23years settled..

thans to her..i mean it..

id never forget this winter holiday...

it got me thinking about the future,responsibility,friendship and trust..

learn from my mistake..

what goes around,will surely comes around..

its not just a word...