alhamdulillah,

last 2years,i was eager to find the truth..
about my religion..
to learn more and avoiding from being a muslim just on my ic..
n today i can feel it..
the same feeling comes again...

last 2years,it was because of a human being..
made me realizes the responsibility that will be carried by me 1 day..
due to some incidents that god-forbid would be shared here,
i neglected all those things n started to live in ignorance again..
though deep down, id so many questions crawling in my head..
i refused to think nor talk about the truth..
thus, again i lived in a miserable and meaningless life..

this time,
its never about anyone..
its just a coincidence..
or maybe,its the fate..

last few days,
i went to my friend's room..
just like any ordinary day..
to learn about neurology...

when we were having a break,
i brought up a question since they are all budak2 usrah..
i asked em about the rationality of getting married in order to prevent wickedness...
then 1 of em said as if he was against the idea..
and the marriage is irrelevant..

the analogy was,
if you wanna treat a disease,you can't treat the simpton..
cuz u will never cure the disease..
and no matter how much you try to treat the simpton,
it will always comes back later due to the disease..

in reality,
he was talking about god..
if we get to know god,understand His role in our life..
we wont have to worry about all the wickedness nor sin..
cuz it will comes along the way..

i confused..
yeah its easy to tell what to do..
but its harder to make it real..
cuz being honest,im not the religious type person..
yes im a muslim, but i barely sense the presence of my own god..
almost none..
and its frightening to imagine the possibility of me becoming an apostate for not believing the presence of god..

then he asked me,
y r u here==>studying
y r u studying===>to pass the exam
y is it so important to pass the exam===>to get graduated
y u wanna get graduated===>to become a doctor
then y u wanna be a doctor===>........(long silence)

some peeps might say that they wanna be a doctor to help others..
but god knows how much i dont really care about others..
if its money..
there are thousand ways to get the money..
in even simpler and easier way..
then i started to realize that deep down,
theres strong believe of His presence..
and thats why im doing all those things he asked me about..

he asked me to take a minute by myself and think..
who is Allah..
i wondered....

later,when i was alone in my room..
i was thinking a lot..
all this long,i pray,fasting,do whatever i need to do as a muslim...
but why couldnt i feel his presence..
then i started to realize that all this while,
i was putting my religion above Him..
i did whatever my pendidikan islam teacher told me to do as a muslim..
and Him,i just put Him as a symbol for my religion..
and that was my biggest mistake..

alhamdulillah,
now i feel more calm..
i can understand who is Him in my life...
although im at the verge of destruction..
when my study is falling apart..
and im still sitting in the shithole where im having the risk of getting expelled..
i dont feel worry too much..
cuz all i need to do is putting my best effort on my study,pray to Him and tawakal..
leave the matter to Him..
i dont mind if any outcomes..
if im able to finish my study,alhamdullilah..
but if i cant,then surely He has a bigger plan for me..
or maybe its another trial for me to face..
but surely i wont take it as an excuse to lazy around..
cuz if my effort is cincai kira,obviously,getting expelled is not His trial but thats the price i need to pay..
Dia Maha Adil, He will rewards me accordingly..
so all i have to do,is working my ass up,pray n tawakal..

but 1 thing i dont understand,
why He still giving me all this chance..
why He still open my eyes to see the truth..
ive done lot of sins throughout my life..
i almost never remember Him,too busy enjoying my miserable life..
and i always blame Him when i dont get what i want..

i dont know how long this feeling will last..
but hopefully,it will never leave me ever again..
cuz i miss and wanted to get it back for so long..
stupid me,i wish im stronger..