its always about me,myself n i

its afternoon already,i skipped my ruski class konon still demam..

yeah i do demam but dats not d main reason of skipping d class...

wats d point of going to d class if my mind isn't really in my brain...though my brain still in my skull..

dis morning,i woke up early...

earlier than ever...

1st thing i'd done,walked to d kitchen and looked at d mirror...

i looked at my image and stared deeply into his eyes...

then i asked him...

the same question ive been asking him for a long time but yet,he couldn't answer...

"WHO ARE REALLY YOU??"

"WHAT KIND OF HUMAN BEING ARE YOU??"

"WHAT DO YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT IN YOUR LIFE??"

"WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT???"

"WHAT'S D PURPOSE OF YOUR LIVING???"

"FOR D PREVIOUS QUESTION,U USED TO ANSWER,TO SERVE GOD,BUT DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN HIM??

once in your lifetime,pliss be honest with yourself...

u might be able to lie to everybody but this is me which is u who u r trying to lie to...

OBVIOUSLY U CANT!!!

whole morning ive been thinking bout all those question...wondering if i could find the exact answer but yet i couldn't...

its way harder than spm n a level question...

i managed to find the answer for hundreds of spm n a level question but y couldn't i find f answer for these few questions??

WHAT ARE REALLY YOU and WHAT KIND OF HUMAN BEING ARE YOU???

damn..its a millions worth question...

i dun know what is exactly my personality or attitude..

sometimes,i feels like im a good man...always learn from d past to rebuild myself...

but as time goes by,i found myself swimming in d past..

sometimes,i feels like im a person with no religion..free-thinker...

but later,i found myself on d praying-mat,crying for HIS forgiveness...

sometimes i feels like im a good muslim,encourage people not to do sin and repent after done a mistake...

but later i found myself doing the sins which are d worst sin could ever be done..

sometimes i feels like im a good son,obedient to my parents order...

but later i found myself against them...insulting em on d back..

sometimes i feels so good that i could guide others towards the light....

but later i found myself guided by em...even worst,they fall into d darkness together with me..

i wonder..

what kind of animal would even do d same thing as i do..

WHAT DO U REALLY CARE IN LIFE and WHAT DO U WANT IN LIFE???

most people would say,wanna success in study...grab a bright future...be a doctor or a lawyer or wateva good for em...

but me???

i want money,y??so dat i can eat and live...

i want house,y??so dat i can sleep at night...

whats my ambition??doctor...becouse lotsa people say doctor is a good ambitious...

damn...i dont even know what to do in life...

for me,i wake up this morning,ill survive d day n finally,go to the bed n sleep...

tomorrow,same thing...wat will happen during d day dont really matter...

sometimes i feels like i care bout my parents...

but later,i find out myself not calling or even thinking bout em for a few months..

sometimes i feels like i care bout my friends...

but later,i find myself talking bout their flaws on their back...

sometimes i feels like i really love my bestfriend...

but later i find myself dont really want to talk to em...

sometimes i feels like really care and love and willing to-die for my beloved...

but later i find myself hurt her,turn her into bad girl and make her feels guilty for my mistake..

damn im good in word...but it isn't an ability,its a curse...

WHATS D PURPOSE OF MY LIVING???and DO I REALLY BELIEVE IN GOD???

man dats d hardest question ever...

all i know,whatever happen in life,ill have to continue living till d end...

like i wake up in d morning n waiting to sleep back at nyte..

maybe its clear wats in my head of my purpose...

i wish n i really hope ive a strong believe n spirit in god...

theres a time where ive been told by someone that she missed rasullullah and at d moment,i saw her crying..i asked her why??she said becouse she really miss rasullulah..

then i asked myself...have i ever cry for him or god???or maybe its better to ask,have i ever think of rasullulah??

no...

i wish to...i sit on pray-mat whole morning,zikir n all so dat i can feels His appearance but i failed...

maybe im way too bad to feel it..

or maybe my sins block it out...

i dont really care bout wat do i...,why do i.... and how do i... things

all in knew,i want to be better...

i dont wanna keep on living like this...

its nothing...

like living in a big room,wherever u look at,down up right left in front n back,its all white..

not even a single thing can be seen...

meaningless...

i rather die than keep living in dis room...