i want a purpose n i wish that it could be u..

herm its my blog and its my world
but this whole time,ive been hiding 1 big secret 
writing in a hint without being honest what it is for real
cuz i dont want people to judge me or pity me..


but today,to hell with all those thing 
and i just wanna write with honesty
cuz 1 day,im gonna read this whole blog again
n i will wanna know whats exactly happened in the past..


this few weeks,ive been fighting with my own emotion and ego..
i dont know whats actually to believe n to put faith in..
and im depressing in choosing what to stand on and bow down to..
its all about god,religious and faith..


i doubt my own religion,
i doubt the fairness of the god..
and ive been thinking all this while,
is god really exists??


been few months i havent answer to a simple greeting,assalamualaikum..
been a long time,i refuse to mention the name of the god..
and quite sometime, i get myself busy to perform the shalat...
its all due to the fact that im losing faith..


why does my life turn this way??
i guess its all out of jealousy..
and frustration with my study..
as i was passing by an examination,the feeling got stronger..
as i saw 1 after another friends passing the exam out of luck alone..
with less effort in studying.. but still passes the exam with flying colours..
but me,no matter how hard i tried,failure is still the answer..
then d 1 n only question will occurs to me..
does god really fair??


at a time like this,im fragile..
n more than ever,the devil will successfully tormenting my faith..
he put thousands of question into my head..
leads me into miserable world finding answer..


i wish i could be d old me..
the strong n super-god-believer..
always put everything into the hand of god..
every failure,i took it as a challenge to test my faith..
every exam n test,i put my best effort,doa n leave the rest to him..
i remember there was 1 time when i was facing the pmr and spm,
every night after maghrib,id take the whole hours b4 isya for solat hajat..
bace yassin and during the day,not 1 drop of water poured down my stomach other than air bacaan yassin..


in frenship,
i cared about my them..
whenever i saw the chance to get my fren closer to god,id use all the option i had..
got to believe it,im quite good in seducing..
but that time,i used it in a better way..
some of em started to wear tudung..
some of them stopped smoking n having illegal sex..
some of them started to think about the future n working..
some of them left their old social life n got closer to god..
and when someone tried to lead them to a wrong path,
id either face em n asked em to back off, or tricked my friend to leave em..
that was how much i care n love my fren..


but now??
i ashamed with myself and with them..
all those bad things they left for good,
most of em have becoming part of my life..
and the seducing talent i own,i use it to entertain myself..
i wonder how far have i astray..
i seduce some of good person to do bad things just to satisfy my feeling..
that im not the worst person in world..
sometimes when im lepaking with my girl-friend yg bertudung..
deep down,out of nowhere,theres a thought appear in my mind,
to make em put away the tudung..
with no advantage to me,just sekadar wanna see how good i am in seducing people..
and even my close friend..
there was time when i tried to influence her to smoke..
padahal long time ago,i swear to myself to take good care of her..


even last year,when i was so close to this 1 girl who are really a nice girl,
i refused to get serious with her,to get into relationship with her..
with only a reason that never occurred to me..
"im afraid that 1 day,ill change her into someone bad..
im scared that ill influence her to do bad things..
cuz when i started to have a wish,ill do n ill say almost anything to convince her..
n i wont stop up until i get what i want.."
but now,theres not even a minute id ever think that way..
i just dont care anymore about people..
im reluctant to put myself second to anything..


but late this evening,
when i was all alone,smoking the last cigarette,
looking outside the window,
i saw the beautiful cloud..
it was dark but the sky was so bright..
i closed my eyes and there was something like talking to me,
that this is not the type of life i want..
i enjoy doing everything ive done,
but deep down or later,ill regret it..


last week,
was talking to my groupmate,
he asked me why n everything,n i let out all those thought of mine..
i told him that i dont think god cares about me..
n all he ever done to me,is screwing me up..
but later i realize that god is fair enough..
i thought that he is not fair for putting me into obstacles n problems..
but i never realize those nikmat i have..
i have the best room in this hostel,privacy n more like my own room..
i have a business and money doesnt stop flowing into my wallet..
ive both my parent while some of my friends lost em..
every month,rm2000 will pours my saving..
im already 4th year though most of the exams i faced with no confidence..
gosh,
how would all those things slip out of my judgement..


dear god..
gimme chance..
maybe tomorrow this regret n feeling will not stay in my heart..
but please dont turn my heart into a stone,
till i could never see u again..
but i with for ur help..
to give me strength to fight all those crazy thoughts i have..
u know me better than anybody..
how much im easily take stupid thoughts as a serious matter..
dont turn away from me..
keep me close to u..
cuz i dont want this kind of miserable life..
meaningless..just living to die..
i want a purpose n i wish that it could be u..