meaning..

k,im totally bosan tonight,so 1 more post...

609/3..thats my room here in moscow...
its suppose to be shared by 3person but up until now,
its just me here in this room,
alone..lonely..
god knows how much i hate living like this..

last few months,
1 of my buddies told me..
he made a conclusion bout my life..
all those girls i ever flirting with..
all the business ive done..
all those stupid jokes and acts of mine..
all the controversial  statement i spoke..
they are all meant to seek for attention...
the conclusion is im desperate for attention..
erk..panassssss...

but deep in the bottom,
i couldnt help to notice it...
not that i desperate for attention,
im totally against the statement ok..

but the thing is,
im not sure if ive anyone in life..

family??
i dont know what does it mean...
most of the time,
it occurs to me that they are my family cuz i was born among them...
but none of it was my choice..
randomly..
they are nice to me..
always help me when ive no-1 to turn...
concern bout me..
and love me,i bet...
but d prob is my mentality..
i dont know where does it come,this feeling..
i cant find an exact meaning of having a family..
i couldnt open up to them..
could not share almost anything with them..
if i have a problem,its mine to carry..
i just cant let them join me,lending any hand..

friend??
till now,im still couldnt define the meaning of having friend..
i still doubt what should n could be shared with em...
i used to depend on them on every single problem i have ..
just to find a meaning of having friend...
to feel like having some real n best buddy...
to share,give n take with them..
but later,1 of my closest friend said to me..
which change my whole perception of having friend..
she said,'sampai bile nk depending on org laen,
they couldnt help u..its all depending on myself"
i knew this fact for a very long time..
i never wish burden them with my problem..
i just wanted to share it with em,all i ever want is just a single ear..
maybe not both,but just someone to talk..
ever since,i tried to manage all the prob myself..
i keep it all by myself..
but this is just not me...
there are thousand times i always lose my head..
i tot that is when a friend should play its role..
but my assumption is just so wrong it seems..
then what??for what having a friend??
someone to blame when we screw up??
someone to scold if we are stress out??
or just someone to fill the empty seat in class??
i wonder...

girlfriend??
haeh penat la ckp sal ni..
i used to think that she is everything..
someone to tell all the jokes and problems...
to spend all the times together...
someone to be given and uses all my money...
ive 2 principles for em
1-i never wanna see her sad faces,so i tried my best to help her solving all her problem..
2-my problem,i tried my best to keep all the burden by myself,cuz i dont want her to carry my burden..
but the lady always complaining about me,keeping secrets n problem..
not totally honest n open up to her..
so i told her bout it but she never showed any interest on it..
it cut me deep..
n all the sacrifices ive done for her,she never showed any appreciation..
i was left with a broken heart..
then for what having a girlfriend??
just to show off that ive a pretty girlfriend??
or just to waste the time with meaningless conversation??

haeh,i used to think that i was born from my mother's womb alone into this world..
and later when i die,ill be buried alone..
then for what having a partner while living in the middle??
but being me living alone..
its killing me slowly..
shaving my soul n spirit slowly..
damn i hate for being born into this world..
why,why out of million sperms,im the choosen 1 to suffer??